Hey guys it’s Nate!
Like I said before my anxiety has been tapering off but after that my depression goes up. I have always felt pushed down by my family but I feel it even more now. Let me tell you some situations that makes me feel that way because I have no one to talk to so what I do when I have no one to talk to is write.
One of the many things that makes me depressed is my anxiety/OCD. The disorders in general make me depressed but it’s how my family reacts to my spasms of OCD/anxiety. If I’m at home and I feel it coming on I tend to do strange things to control it. I’m not supposed to do the strange things I’m supposed to control it. This year controlling it was really not working. My family was just like: Oh, time to increase your medicine or was just like: Oh, you’re fine or “Don’t worry about it.” That’s the thing. You can’t just stop worrying about it. Increasing my medicine constantly made it worse. Sometimes they will hide whatever is bothering me which is annoying because whenever I need the thing they hid I can’t find it. If you are not ready to hear about a period thing please click off this post in advance. If you are ready please proceed reading this post! Every time I get a period I get my pad, I think a bad thought, and now that pad is contaminated. I will get a new one until I feel like the right one. I now have two sitting upstairs on the bathroom floor and I’m going to throw them out so I will have to get a new one. But what makes me depressed is that the boxes of pads are being hidden from me because of that trigger. I always tell them that I won’t change or empty the package out but of course they don’t believe me. I don’t need them to be hidden from me. I’m 19 year old I have control over my OCD now I don’t need them to be hid away from me like I’m a little kid. For another example another one of my triggers was changing what I was wearing constantly due to me getting bad thoughts constantly. My family told my nurse who is also a constant source of my anxiety and depression to hide them from me. When I was trying to get ready and be early for my first day back at my program I couldn’t get ready because I didn’t know where the nurse hid my clothes. I had to wait for her to come and give me the clothes. Better believe I was pissed.
The whole trip to New York was full of my family treating me like I’m the lowest part of the family. Like for instance I was holding my diabetes bag where it was about to fall and I was holding my computer where it was about to fall and when I walked in my sisters had to point out how I was holding it wrong. I replied with: “Thank you for telling me an orange is orange.” They also proceeded to tell me that computers are very expensive and can break easily. Like I haven’t been using computers since 2012 umm what? My brother could tell I was not happy that time and was trying to make me laugh which is why I love my brother.
Most of the time on the trip I was fighting off my anxiety and depression about the diabetes. Anxiety really isn’t a joke neither is depression. My family keeps telling me to move on or just don’t worry about it. The general words are “Everyone has anxiety.” Yes everyone has anxiety but no one goes through severe anxiety or the amount of people who do are not as known. Sure anxiety is common but getting about 2 panic attacks in about 9 minutes straight is not common. Getting constant panic attacks is severe anxiety. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder August 2011, diagnosed with OCD in 2015, and I’m pretty sure I’ve always had social anxiety. I’m not fully diagnosed with depression but other people in my family have had it so I can get it and it says that all those anxiety disorders I said can cause depression.
Now let’s get into the disabled part. I was diagnosed with a learning disability. It’s nothing bad it’s just that I can’t see certain things. One of the things I’ve said in the past was where I can’t see the middle of things like an apple and it takes me longer to understand and process things. The one thing that bothers me is that someone in my family won’t accept that it’s been proven that I am disabled. It’s hard because that someone gives someone else in my family a difficult time because they won’t accept it. What makes me mad is that being disabled shouldn’t be immediately labeled as someone who is dumb and incapable of doing things. For instance most people will notice messy hair me, I’ll just look at it and see a part of the body. I don’t see messy or neat hair. I will never get the importance of it or understand it but at least I’ve gotten to the point where I’m starting to like it. Another thing for me is I hate change. I believe that is another part of my disability. I hate that part the most. That’s why three months later I’m still aching for Fantage and my old nurse. Every time I have a change it’s a process for me to get over it. I want to get over it but I won’t ever get over it. How has it been proven that I’m disabled? I retook a test and it was proven I fell into the disabled category. To most people being disabled is a label. It shouldn’t be and it’s really not. People with disabilities are just like you they can’t not do anything specific they just need to work harder or need extra help.
Another thing that has been making me to where I am depressed is my new nurse. The other nurses always pay too much attention to me. For their own reasons they think they need to pay too much attention to me. When people pay too much attention to me I mess up and get to the point where I’m depressed. But that’s all for now since I’m hot and tired and need to go to bed!
PEACE
